In The Name of Transparency

soheresmystoryblog

So, I’m about to get real…I mean REAL with y’all because I don’t want to be one of those people who share that they struggle with anxiety and depression yet post happy, perfect pictures that portray no struggles at all. So in the name of transparency, I want to share with you what it looks like when I am struggling.

My anxiety is through the roof. Anything that is out of order, piles of laundry, my unmade bed, dishes to be put away, dust in my dining room, the box of chips stored on top of the refrigerator, everything just makes it worse.

My friends want to hang out and go to dinner, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to have dinner with people who are successful in all the areas that I feel like I am failing. I can’t process the chatter in the restaurant, the words, the noises, and I can’t pretend to be ok right now…I’m not ok!

I feel fat and gross and want to crawl out of my own skin. I feel like a horrible person, wife and mom who can’t get her shit together, like I’m bringing everyone around me down. I feel defeated, lost, and worthless, yet loved at the same time.

Remington is worried and knows something is off so is following me around.

My depression makes me just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

I don’t know how long this will last, hopefully I can force myself to shower and go to bed early, get up and walk in the morning, back to my schedule and maybe that will help….but for now I sit here and cry not knowing what to do with myself.

This has been my struggle for the last few months. I would have moments of focus, of happy, of accomplishment. It wouldn’t last… wouldn’t “stick”.

I am here. I may be on wobbly legs, but I’m here, I’m standing, sort of, and using all the tools I have to walk through this valley.

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Published by soheresmystoryblog

My name is Jennifer. I'm the wife of Dave, my favorite husband ever, and the mom to 450, give or take a few. I've given birth to two handsome baby boys, who have grown in to two handsome, wonderful young men. I do, however, provide snacks, bandaids, a listening ear, emotional support, calls to check in on, and so much more to about 450 kids at the high school where I am the "office lady". So in essence, I have 450 plus kids. My husband and I live in the middle of nowhere, in the upper left corner of the lower 48, with our dogs, cats, occasional cow, and a stray horse named Amber. In the absence of children in the home, our mixed breed lap dog, who happens to be the size of a small pony, has become our fur baby. I have a heart for the broken and hurting. God did not bring me through childhood abuse, bad decisions as a teenager and saved by Christ as an adult, to keep my story to myself. I firmly believe that we are not meant to walk this road alone, I mean God did create Eve because it wasn't good to leave Adam alone.

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